I WISH I DIDN'T SUCK AT FEELINGS.

So... This is not a poem. This is me letting off some steam, which I tend to do from time to time. I just haven't done it yet in blog form. And tonight, I felt like doing so.

I hate boys.

Correction: I love boys. I hate when boys get together and come through the McDonald's drive thru and hit on me.

I am a vicious flirt, but never in seriousness. It is really easy for me to pretend I'm in love with boys that I'm not at all interested in, and they always know that I'm not actually interested.

However, if I am actually interested in someone, they terrify me. And ditto if someone's interested in me. If either of these are true, I tend to avoid them like the plague. Because I'm awkwardly shy about these things. I don't know why. I just always have been.

This is easily the #1 thing that I hate about my personality.

So tonight, a couple of boys came through the drive-thru.... and this embarrassment ensued. And I just hated it.... And I didn't really understand why, until I wrote it down.

These were not unattractive boys. These were decently attractive guys with a crapload of confidence that scared the shiz out of me.

In the Drive-Thru: (After I'd taken their order.)
Boy #1: Dude, that girl sounds hott.
Boy #2: Dude, do you think she's mormon?
Boy #1: Hey, yeah, you should ask her!!
Boy #2: -laughter- Do you think she can still hear us?
Me: Sorry, what was that?
Boy #1: Crap. Guess she can!
Boy #2: Dude, pull forward!!

Later, at the window:
Boy #1: Hey, you're really cute!
Boy #2: Yeah, especially when you talk!
Boy #1: And when you smile!
Boy #2: Hey, are you Mormon?!
Boy #1: We'll be back later for your number!
Boy #2: Or you could just give it to us now!!
Me: - Turns bright red. Then, turns around and pretends not to hear.-

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm single.

Responsibility

It's even heavier
than it sounds.
It is necessary.
It teaches us
to grow up.
How you handle it
really says a lot
about your character.
About you.
About who-and what
you are.
What moves you.
What you care about.
What you stand for.
Whether you stand
for anything at all.
In any case,
it matters.
Take it seriously.
Otherwise,
screw your future.

Nothing But Everything

I wish I could just tell you.
I wish.
But I can't.
Nothing is stopping me,
but I can't, all the same.
Because actually,
something is stopping me.
Nothing really.
Just... everything.
All of me.
Every fear,
every inhibition,
every insecurity,
practically every fiber of my being
is screaming
"YOU CAN'T."
And I believe,
because this has always proven
safe.
That and you scare me.
Not you per se,
but the idea
of you
(or anyone, really)
knowing too much.
But mostly
you
knowing... anything.
It terrifies me.

And why?
Who are you?
What would it hurt if you knew?
Nothing would change.
Not really.

But everything's
already different with you.
I've changed,
thus my whole world has.
There is a newly realized
possibility
which I hadn't even
considered before:
Letting you in
might be okay.
But how long have I
known you?
I shouldn't feel
this way.
But I'm adjusting.
I'm growing, changing,
learning how to be
here.
You showed me,
simply through being near me,
that I really didn't know
myself very well.
And so you mean nothing...
Yet you'll always be
so much more
than nothing
to me.

I wish, I long, I ache
to tell you.
Everything.
But nothing's what comes out.

Unreasonably,
I want so much  more than nothing
with you.
It makes no sense.
I'm silly.
Maybe, after all this,
I'll tell you.
I'll explain.

And when you know,
hopefully you'll understand.
And maybe you'll
forgive me.

You were so awesome,
so sweet,
so nice.
And I treated you
like less than
nothing.
But only because
it terrified me
to make you my everything.

For the Best

Fear
is stupid.
Inhibiting,
Crippling,
and pointless.

All it has ever
accomplished
is keeping
people
from success.

So cut it out.

But that's
not easy...

But it must be done.

The Wanderings of a "Creative" Mind

You will NEVER
be able to be
happy
(like- TRULY happy)
until you stop caring
about what other people
think of you.
BE ORIGINAL.
be you.
Whatever that
leads you to,
you will end up
feeling successful
and happy.
And doesn't
that
seem worth it?

Not By The Stars

I am worth
STARS.

And I don't mean
the sparkly
little
specks
that we see
when we look
at the sky.
I am talking
about the
celestial
flaming
orbs of light
that become
SUNS.

I am talking
the centers of
galaxies.
These beautiful
Heavenly
masses
that we just can't
see clearly
(not nearly enough)
from here on earth.
But if we could fly,
as we'd get closer,
worlds would appear.
Each with their own people
languages
governments
societies
religions
laws
lives.
And suns.
Which we call
stars.

I am worth
stars,
not a few.
My own glory,
when I am not
personally smothering it,
shines twice as
brightly as any
star's light.

Let it shine!
"This is mine!"
Own it.
Be proud.
Love the life
you're given,
and never
ever
forget
what you're worth.
Not by the stars.